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July 15th, 2004
Tim's latest Whore
I was beginning to think that maybe it is time to lay this journal to rest. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to, but I was thinking about it, because really, what is this thing doing for me? It's just a place to type out some shit. I really don't bare my soul here, but it's not entirely superficial either. so it's some bastard half breed, that makes no sense! Either it's to bare my soul or to be superficial. It's origins were superficial in nature. It was some silly night last summer. No big deal, but then I began to use it as some venue to vent my frustrations, but always constricted by the fact that someone was reading and judging and taking notes and grudges. Which is ridiculous in itself. So I tried to keep it superficial but couldn't and then panicked about the fact it was deeper. This entire circle is insane! And it's all just a bunch of symantics! Perhaps I'll start a journal meant specifically for the bearing of my angst bound soul. Perhaps I'll just begin a real journal in the real world. I'm not sure. There's still so much to decide and figure out.
Being away for these past three weeks has done me so much good. I've seen so many things and I've gotten the chance to really see the world in all it's glories and miseries. And I've had the chance to gain a lot of perspective on this place and the people whom reside here. I've gotten the chance to realize who and what people really are to me. And I've made a lot of decisions about my life, and I'm thinking about what I need to cut out to start learning to be happier. And mind you I realize you can not use logistics to find happiness, but I have so much shit in the way of even leaving the perpetual house of sadness, that I need to logistically clear that air, before I can even begin to move on. And I realize at this point in time I can't cut out all the shit that I need too. I realize that I can only begin to delete all the stuff I'm tired of. It's time to go back to the beginning and start again. Which I really do believe is what it required these days, just to survive, I won't take this shit any longer. And perhaps I will start a new journal. Yes, I think I might. Though I don't quite know what I'm going to do with it or if it's the right thing to do at all. But I think it's about time to move on and move out of this. And I can't do it wrong.
Current Music: Tell Shipwreck I'm sorry-The Good Life
July 13th, 2004
Home Once More For a Couple of Days At Least
I'm very tired. I got home last night. My poor brain and body is all Jet Laggy and tired. My body feels like it's 5 in the afternoon and getting sleepy again. Even though I woke up like an hour ago. Silliness. I may go take a nap...I'll blab about Europe later....TTFN
June 15th, 2004
Hooked on Phonics, or a little too much Meth? Lets be honest now...
Alright, so another interesting day...wait, I don't really have all that interesting of days. Mildly interesting, but nothing to really brag about most of the time. But I do anyways from time to time. I had to work 11-4. The usual suck ass shift that no one likes to work, so I get stuck doing it. The other shift that everyone hates and I end up having to is 5:30 am to 1 pm. Most people refuse to work it. There are exactly two openers in the store. Myself and Sharon. It sucks. Getting up at four am on your weekends and summer vacation is wrong and simply should not happen for any reason! But who am I to complain? I mean it pays for my sorry ass to drive around, and to buy myself obscene amounts of coffee dates with people. Such as Kittie today, and Mirandy tomorrow and Probably Jer of Bears on Thursday. Yay for me. Woo Hoo. Can you hear the enthusiasm dripping from my words?
Sometimes I'm so shamelessly emo. Damn it! Like today with Kittie. We just talked about everything that was crappy. And we made each other laugh and shared bread pudding and scones with honey butter. It occurred to us we were consuming pure butter, but then we laughed and ate more. And we talked of all these things and then turned away and went our separate ways. It was nice and I like spending time with Kittie. She's very dear to me, and I hope I don't lose touch with her. That would make me most sad. It would hurt a lot. I love Kittie very much. Kind of like I love Mirandy and Jake. Oh Lord! My tiny core of Friends is expanding beyond one person! Now I know the end is coming. What am I to do? It's beyond my control.
(Perhaps she'll catch it, or maybe not...whatever i suppose.) LoL!
Anyways... so today at the bank, someone other than Roxy was working the damn window and she threatened not to cash my damn paycheck because my parents didn't sign off on it! i was so pissed, but then she was like, "Maybe you ought to open your own account?." And at first I was outraged by this, and felt that somehow she has insulted me. And I drove away with this feeling, but then I began to think about it. And I thought to myself, if my money is free, then so am I. But then I quickly dicarded the thought as insane and would never work. but I began to think about it again, when I told Kittie about the whole experience, and thought more to myself about it. Then I just discarded the thought again. it struck me on the way home and I told my parents about it, and they said "oh" and then my mom was like "if that's what you want to do..." and then I thought about it a third time and realized yeah. This IS what I want to do. I want to have my own account, and checks and check card, and I want to be able to manage and balance, and take care of all of it myself. I want that freedom, and that responsibility to be mine. I want to control my finances, and do it myself. so this week I'm going to go in and set up my own account and checks, and check card. And then my parents have no financial control and I am in the driver's seat. That's scary and exhilarating. I'm not entirely sure how I quite feel about all of it. But I guess I'll find out!
I've been kind of fiddling around with some poetry again. I stopped for a while, because I was losing my meanings, and becoming incredibily redundant. And then I picked it up again, and I've been trying to keep them as short as possible. Trying to whittle it all down to exactly what I've been wanting to say. And I think I've succeeded. But I'm not sure. So I'm going to post a few.
Untitled Rant #1
I don't cry, for shits and giggles
I cry because it hurts to be alive
The shine of the blade, overt
The flash of a hand, discreet
They've gone and cut
My marionette strings!
Okay the rest of them I don't feel like sharing. It's too hard and complicated and shit. I need to go away from life. I feel...I don't know. I just need to go now. and forget about all of this shit. I just don't want to think anymore. i wish I could get away from my mind and just disappear for a while. I don't know. I just wish I could get outside of my head. I hate the way I am sometimes, the way I think. I just wish I could get away from it sometimes. That's all. And I don't know how too. I need to get out. Whatever that means. I just need to get out.
Gah! this will pass. This too shall pass...
Current Music: A Gentleman Caller-Cursive
June 12th, 2004
Mirandy is the coolest girl ever. EVER! :
May 22nd, 2004
An interesting aside to a sad day...
You are Corruptive! Which Stereotypical CLAMP emotion are you? brought to you by Quizilla
Sometimes I have this horrible realization that I am guilded. I am shiny and perfected for the most part on the outside. But then underneath it's not all quite so rightly in order and that bothers me. In fact it bothers me to no end at all. sometimes I forget that it's alright to not be perfect...and in fact I seem to forget it all the time.
Been thinking a lot...Damn Friedrich. In regards to my sadness... "Where the good begins.-- Where the poor power of the eye can no longer see the evil impulse as such because it has become too subtle, man posits the realm of goodness; and the feeling that we have now entered the realm of goodness excites all those impulses which had been threatened and limited by the evil impulses, like the feeling of security, of comfort, of benevolence. Hence, the duller the eye, the more extensive the good. Hence the eternal cheerfulness of the common people and of children. Hence the gloominess and grief - akin to a bad conscience - of the great thinkers." -
"... hitherto we have been permitted to seek beauty only in the morally good - a fact which sufficiently accounts for our having found so little of it and having had to seek about for imaginary beauties without backbone! - As surely as the wicked enjoy a hundred kinds of happiness of which the virtuous have no inkling, so too they possess a hundred kinds of beauty; and many of them have not yet been discovered. ."
Perhaps there is the inkling as to go out and find these beauties with backbones? No longer imagined? How is it that I am left so affected by all this around me? Perhaps my sadness indicative of deeper greater thinking? One can only hope. Perhaps this is a contest of the nobility of one's sadnesses? I am the Champion of all Idiots sometimes. Because I let my heart free for just one moment, and then...oh and then all else fails..
I must admit Vanity is my worst side...and there's more from Friedrich...yay! " We are like shop windows in which we are continually arranging, concealing or illuminating the supposed qualities other ascribe to us - in order to deceive ourselves." -Nietzsche
I agree, I am decieving myself and myself alone. Damn.
Current Music: The Game of who needs who the worst-Cursive
May 9th, 2004
Hands Down your Pants!
I had a lovely time yesterday. For the first time in MONTHS I took a whole day off, with no devotions or commitments to anything. I slept in until 11:00, for the first times in maybe two years. Maybe only a year. And it was great. I got up and showered and emailed and cleaned. And then Jake came over for a bit, and Ellen came over and we went out to eat in Tom-er-hawke. Some place called Bambinos. Jake liked it so we just drove to tomahawk to eat our hearts content on cheesy pizza. Then we came back to my house, and we watched Father Ted re-runs (if you don't know what father ted is, find out! It's a BBC sitcom about an Irish Priest. Ellen is part of the Father Ted Cult movement, and tapes them. It's hilarious you must find out the greatness of FATHER TED!!!!) After that we watched American History X. Which is always a great film, and then Apt Pupil, which was dumber than dumb. We ended up talking about Jake having his hand down his pants for most of the movie, and blow Job whores!
"I don't like to think, I just do it!" (That was the teenage girl's only line in the entire movie, before she leaned over the gear shift into his lap. So we noted her as the blow job whore.) And as for Jake having his hand down his pants. His hands were cold so he had his hand under his shirt near his hip, and I looked over and only saw that his hands were down his pants. So I started to laugh hysterically and yelled Jake why are your hands down your pants!? And he's like what? And then he was like, they're not, they're not!! And Ellen and I were laughing really loudly and shouting Jake's hands are down his pants, and then he got pissed and yelled you two are assholes! It was great. Then everytime he said anything, one of us made a comment about having his hands down his pants. Good fun. They stayed until 11 ish. At which point they went home, and I got up at 4 to go to work as usual, and now it's 2 pm and typin'er'rooing!! Fun Fun!
Work was mostly horrible today, but unbusy horrible, not beastly horrible. Getting up was really hard to do, but that's okay, I made it through the day without dying. ANd right now, I'm making myself an eggroll to eat, because I'm hungry! yay for being hungry! yay for food, yay for good eggrolls!
Saw Aandru at work, yelled that we loved him, told one of his coworkers, i was his lover...heh. Funness!
March 11th, 2004
FUCK YOU WORLD. I'M DONE WITH YOU! :
March 2nd, 2004
Sometimes I think it might be better to just put a bandaid on it and get over it. I dont know. :
December 9th, 2003
Say Hello to the Rose Topography.
The world is confusing. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I don't think I really care either. Damn them all! I have the few I need in my life, screw the rest of them. I don't care if they aren't impressed, they didn't really matter to me anyways. I'm content with the few I have...I think that is all that needs to be said about that.
As for the rest of life. Mock Trial is going rather well.
December 3rd, 2003
Good evening all... :
So ends another horrendous day at school. However there was goodness in the world today! Today was Andrew's birthday and I did a bunch of cool stuff for him. He appreciated it all very much. Which made me happy, because he was incredibly happy! Yay. So much goodness. I had a wondeful time in third hour with Ms. Kali. Which is always good. We made fun of people and had fun just chatting it up. Good, good business.